being grown......

i have so little figured out. i sometimes pretend that i do.. but that's not so you think im cool or i seem better.. its only because if i didn't then i would have to admit to my self that i am helpless out of control childish so very for from grown...
my dream is to be able to be the best mother to my children possible.... some times i think if i got pregnant tomorrow that i would be able to be a great mom, then days like these come a long and i cry under my bed covers all day and just want my mom. im not ready to grow up at all i am small and need my mom.
i feel sad. i hurt people i think probably all the time... i am a selfish daughter granddaughter cousin sister friend bestfriend birdy girlfriend coworker stranger. . .. .... ......
i want to be loved
i miss gennie.
Ingrid Michelson

i don't know why i am writing this,... i let my feelings control me way to much i think. i rairly think with my head.. if you hurt me i cry if I'm mad i yell if I'm cranky...leave.
i wish i was better at keeping who i am sometime of my freaking sleeves...
i mad some one feel bad today...im not sure if he deserved it and i didn't want it to happen.
i wish we could all say the right thing at the same time with out hurting one another..
be honest with me ok, i am going to try to start being more honest with you.
ok good thanks.
i might cry tho so be warned but its ok. it just means im listening and i that i care.

soup time and some beddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
like i said so little.....

i held a baby today and saw me.

qwertyuiop[]asdfghjkl;'zxcvbnm,./

wish

I am going to pretend tonight that is this my bed.
i love this bed, that's right: love.
sweet dreams

More Photo's Sweet Creek

sand

i love the beach so much. i always feel so at home when im near the ocean. the air smells feels and tasts fresher saltier, better : )
i went to the beach today with my sister, brother, James, Lauren, Erny, joey, Haily, and Megan. we pretended i was the mom and joey was the dad(we both being the oldest out of them : )) and the rest of them were all my baby's. it was fun, i got to take care of them all day.
we hiked up sweet creek and it was beautiful. there are so many amazing places to take photos or just swim. i cant wait to go back there ; ) come if you'd like just let me know and well go.
after that we went to the beach it was cold and perfect. i got sand in my boots. we all huddled together under one of those stick shelters.. Erny wanted to know what it was that girls talked about when boys weren't around so we started talking about our periods and boys we liked : ) it was funny!
then we all journeyed bad to our cars and drove the fast way to Moe's! we played and laughed! i apparently was drinking while pregnant with James so he turned out strange and Erny in my favy and Emily crazy smart but is autistic. i was talking about Seth being the love of my life then i got in trouble cuz all my kids thought me and there dad were barking up so we had to cover up.. lol we were all so silly all day it was nice.

i still have sand in my hair.. my skin smells like the ocean.
i went home.

driving home in the rain and dark was so scary.. i really didnt like it. one of my children got ill on the ride home. i had to pull over to let him get out and throw up : (

other than that it was all really nice.
im sleepy.
i wish i wasn't going to sleep so cold in my bed. yes i miss you.

Tattoo

so much rain makes my heart happy i think.
i bought shoes that can not be worn in the rain.
i made up with a friend yesterday,
i cred
we talked
we listened
i died.
she answered.
i am feeling so strange getting older, things are different. like someone changed the rules while i was sleeping.

living...
love?
fear?

i am feeling anxious about my trip to India/Thailand.
i don't have all the funds.
i am starting to feel how much ill miss home and loved ones.
i can.
will everyone be here when i get back.? skype me.
..........
it seems like when one part of my life is going great the other parts seem to be falling apart.
i hate it when iv done something i wish i could take back and every time you call me the first thing i think it that you've found out...
i wish we lived in a world with out secrets with out lies.
hi nice to meet you, i am going to use you and then leave you dry.
o well then not nice to meet you, have a nice life, peace.
what if we all said what we were really thinking all the time... seen the movie?
i was just thinking at work today that i wanted to try having a completely honest conversation with my (wonderful) boyfriend. .. .. .. i would never be able to do that. i don't want to here what he thinks about all the time.. im sure im annoying and gross some times and i don't even want to think about what i would say to him with out a filter..... cant be good. but could it?
i don't think that kind of thing is a try it for one day thing, its a lifestyle choice we get to make everyday.


what energy are you sending out to people? i believe that people can feel what your sending them no matter how far away you are... so be careful cuz it will come back..
you only have so much space inside you so fill it with positive energy and then share please.
i love you.
o and i haven't ran in two weeks : )

running

is hard

my body is soft